


poetry is gay culture confirmed

by riverblujay



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: (in chapter two), Agender Virgil, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Chatting & Messaging, Gen, Low Self Esteem, Mentions of deportation, Mutual Pining, Nasty Depression Thoughts, bc shit has gone down in romans life oops, chatfic, cursing i guess, group chats, i mean theyre teenagers, marking as gen bc the prinxiety is qpps, mentions of deadnaming, officially adding angst as a tag, plot point borrowed from one day at a time, ro and virge are pretty good at communication, sylvia "daddy issues" plath, this fandom is severly lacking in chatfics and i must correct that, trans Logan, unlike patton and logan lmao
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-08-29 14:16:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16745563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riverblujay/pseuds/riverblujay
Summary: virgil, roman, logan, and patton are paired together for an ap lit group project.it goes as well as you'd expect.(or: mostly a chatfic with memes, queer content, and sylvia plath.)





	1. no cursing in my goddamn christian minecraft server

**Author's Note:**

> idk this is fun and there arent many sanders sides chatfics. also im lazy so chapter titles are quotes from the chapter its for lmao.
> 
> ((you can pry agender virgil from my cold, dead hands.))

**_Roman Garcia_ ** _ created the group. _

 

**_Roman Garcia_ ** _ added  _ **_Logan Thompson, Virgil Foster,_ ** _ and _ **_Patton Sanders_ ** _ to the group. _

 

**_Roman Garcia_ ** _ changed group name to  _ **_sylvia plath has daddy issues_ ** _. _

  
  


Roman Garcia: what is Up my diggity dudes

Roman Garcia: and other esteemed persons

 

Virgil Foster: i appreciate the Validation m8 but u can still use dude for me 

Virgil Foster: im not bothered by it

 

Roman Garcia: chill

 

Logan Thompson: Must we have that name for this chat?

Logan Thompson: Why not something simplistic like “Poetry Expert Group”?

 

Roman Garcia: //because// pocket protector

 

Logan Thompson: Should I be offended?

 

Roman Garcia: its more fun this way

Roman Garcia: speaking of fun

 

**_Roman Garcia_ ** _ changed name to  _ **_gay for flynn rider_ ** _. _

 

Virgil Foster: n i c e

Virgil Foster: if were going there

 

**_Virgil Foster_ ** _ changed name to  _ **_anxious gay_ ** _. _

 

gay for flynn rider: a whole ass mood

 

Patton Sanders: no cursing in my goddamn christian minecraft server

 

Logan Thompson: @Patton Sanders I did not realize you swore.

 

anxious gay: um

anxious gay: not to break ur perfect image of dad friend over here but pat’s a fuckin sailor

 

Patton Sanders: we //are// in high school

 

Logan Thompson: Fair enough.

 

gay for flynn rider: you should both change names 

gay for flynn rider: real names are b o r i n g

 

Logan Thompson: I happen to like my name, considering I chose it myself.

Logan Thompson: But if you insist.

 

**_Logan Thompson_ ** _ changed name to  _ **_Space Gay_ ** _. _

 

gay for flynn rider: n  i c e

 

anxious gay: pat??

anxious gay: hbu???

 

Patton Sanders: ok why not

 

**_Patton Sanders_ ** _ changed name to  _ **_popstar_ ** _. _

 

anxious gay: lol

 

gay for flynn rider: ????

 

anxious gay: inside joke lmao

 

Space Gay: Moving on-

 

Space Gay: How do you propose we divide up the workload?

 

gay for flynn rider: wow all business microsoft nerd

 

popstar: its ok to care about the project, ro!!

popstar: it //is// what the chat is for in the first place

 

anxious gay: sure

anxious gay: o r

anxious gay: memes

 

Space Gay: if you meme in this chat so help me I swear on Crofter’s jam

 

gay for flynn rider: i guess we know how to get L to abandon proper punctuation like a proper gen z 

 

Space Gay: I cannot help it that my love for Crofter’s surpasses all other things.

Space Gay: any future boyfriend of mine will have to fucking deal with it

Space Gay: Logan/Crofter’s is canon

 

anxious gay: logan nO

 

Space Gay: logan yes.

Space Gay: sex: unimportant

Space Gay: Crofter’s: 823874010/10 

 

popstar: is that your way of coming out as ace??

 

Space Gay: Potentially.

Space Gay: Is that a problem?

 

popstar: nope!

 

gay for flynn rider: no complaints from me

 

anxious gay: same hat mdude

anxious gay: in fact

 

**_anxious gay_ ** _ changed name to  _ **_a cubed_ ** _. _

 

gay for flynn rider: i support you 

gay for flynn rider: with all my being

gay for flynn rider: i love my qpp virgil foster thank you for coming to my ted talk

 

a cubed: <3

 

gay for flynn rider: <3

 

popstar: alrighty then

popstar: we should actually decide who is doing what now

 

a cubed: boooo

 

Space Gay: I assume you //want// to do well on this assignment.

 

a cubed: yeah

a cubed: but still

a cubed: what were the different parts again???

 

popstar: i have a pic of the rubric right here

 

**_popstar_ ** _ shared an image. _

 

gay for flynn rider: ok

gay for flynn rider: so we need to split up analysis parts

gay for flynn rider: come up with an activity and assessment

gay for flynn rider: and put together a powerpoint that includes biography shit

 

popstar: no swearing in my good f u ck i ng  c hr i s ti a n mi n e c r af t s e rv e r

 

Space Gay: Essentially, yes.

Space Gay: That sums it up.

 

a cubed: i can do the powerpoint and bio stuff

a cubed: how fancy are we going??

 

gay for flynn rider: woo the world with ur computer and graphic design skills babe

 

a cubed: yeet

 

popstar: include a shit ton of memes

 

a cubed: y e E T

 

Space Gay: Do Not Include A Shit Ton Of Memes

Space Gay: (Include a shit ton of memes.)

 

a cubed: y E E T

a cubed: ok so what about the rest

 

popstar: i can work on the activity and assignment parts if L and ro are chill with splitting the analysis

 

Space Gay: Considering this poem was my suggestion, I don’t have a problem with that.

 

gay for flynn rider: worm

gay for flynn rider: about doing the analysis

gay for flynn rider: logan can take the credit for this probable shitshow on his own

 

Space Gay: @gay for flynn rider Do you want the first eight stanzas or stanzas nine through sixteen?

 

gay for flynn rider: whatevs 

gay for flynn rider: ill take 1-8 i guess

 

Space Gay: Alright. 

 

a cubed: hey what color scheme are we going for here

 

Space Gay: Have you already started?

 

a cubed: its not like i have guard to take up Literally All Of My Time anymore

a cubed: its been two weeks but im still feeling that post worlds existential crisis

 

Space Gay: True. 

Space Gay: Honestly, same.

 

gay for flynn rider: oh yeah i forgot

gay for flynn rider: u did indoor percussion didn’t u??

 

Space Gay: Yes.

Space Gay: I was pit captain.

Space Gay: We made finals at worlds this year, actually.

 

a cubed: still mad (ok, frustrated) that we didn’t even make semis this year

 

Space Gay: It is not your fault the GE scores ended up so low.

Space Gay: You have said yourself this past winter’s show was “particularly shitty,” did you not?

 

a cubed: yeah shitty concept

a cubed: still wouldve been nice to not end my guard career with that show tho

 

popstar: at least youve gotten into semis before though, right??

 

a cubed: yeah

a cubed: but

a cubed: s t i l l

 

gay for flynn rider: oof

 

a cubed: it is what it is

a cubed: anyways

a cubed: color ideas???

 

popstar: p a s t e l s

 

gay for flynn rider: can we make it kinda gay

 

a cubed: we can absolutely make it gay

 

Space Gay: Honestly, if we don’t make it gay we’re all fools.

 

**_Space Gay_ ** _ changed group name to  _ **_poetry is gay culture_ ** _. _

 

Space Gay: I even followed your arbitrary non-adherence to proper capitalization.

 

gay for flynn rider: i have never been prouder

gay for flynn rider: when should we meet up as a group to Discuss??

 

popstar: im free tuesday thursday friday

popstar: preferably thursday or friday tho

 

a cubed: im down for whenever tbh

 

Space Gay: Same as Virgil.

 

gay for flynn rider: i have the last improv show of the semester on friday so thursday would work for me

gay for flynn rider: tuesday seems a little soon to check up on progress considering its currently monday 

 

a cubed: cool

 

Space Gay: Sounds adequate. 

 

popstar: works for me!!

popstar: what time does the improv show start btw?? 

popstar: we should all totally go see it

 

a cubed: seven

a cubed: i was kinda already planning to

 

Space Gay: I am not opposed.

Space Gay: The three of us could potentially meet up for dinner beforehand.

 

a cubed: im down for a dinner d8

a cubed: and for people supporting my platonic bf

 

gay for flynn rider: do you see these emotions?

gay for flynn rider: im going to pack them down

gay for flynn rider: and lock them up

gay for flynn rider: so no one can see my insecurities

 

Space Gay: Um, rude, @ me next time.

 

a cubed: w o w

 

popstar: ok then,,, 

popstar: “we dont have time to unpack ALL of that,,”

 

Space Gay: How dare you use our lord and savior John Mulaney, cornerstone of Gay Culture, against me.

 

a cubed: calling it like we see it

 

gay for flynn rider: yike

 

Space Gay: shut it, prep

 

gay for flynn rider: sounds fake but ok

 

popstar: well

popstar: im going to go fucking work on the fucking project

 

**_popstar_ ** _ is now offline. _

 

a cubed: oh mood

a cubed: peace out fuckers

 

**_a cubed_ ** _ is now offline. _

 

gay for flynn rider: imma yeet and work on shit

 

Space Gay: Valid.

Space Gay: Me too, I guess.

 

**_gay for flynn rider_ ** _ is now offline. _

 

**_Space Gay_ ** _ is now offline. _

  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. virgil is coding goddex confirmed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a cubed: i cant help that i have a cult of people that are willing to validate anyone at all times at my disposal
> 
> Space Gay: It sounds a lot more menacing when you say it like that.  
> Space Gay: When you phrase it as “tumblr famous” it just sounds like you’re a nerd.  
> Space Gay: But thank you, I suppose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter dictionary:  
> (1) tap- teaching as a profession, a class that i took and we went over to the adjacent elementary school (well, intermediate- grades 3-5) and i helped out in a third grade class  
> (2a) dual enrollment- instead of going to an official class you have an online college class  
> (2b) block schedule- what the school is based on- you have four (occasionally five) 90 minute classes/semester instead of 7 or 8 shorter classes all year round  
> (2c) 7am- how one would technically have five classes- official school day starts at 8:30. people with 7ams are technically allowed to leave after 3rd/not have a fourth block, OR you can have a free period like roman does.

Space Gay: So, how is everyone coming along on their parts?

 

gay for flynn rider: were meeting tomorrow dude, we can talk then

 

Space Gay: Are you saying that because you’re unprepared?

 

gay for flynn rider: absolutely not

gay for flynn rider: just don’t see the point

 

a cubed: is this about what happened in lit today with the sub??

 

Space Gay: ...no

 

popstar: wait what happened??

popstar: i feel like i should apologize for being sick btw

 

Space Gay: Nothing Happened.

Space Gay: And you should not feel like you have to apologize for something you cannot control.

 

popstar: ...wait, you said there was a sub??

 

Space Gay: I’m fine.

 

gay for flynn rider: idk logan maybe u should come over and cuddle with me and virge

 

a cubed: its gr9 my dude

 

Space Gay: I’m //fine.// 

Space Gay: Don’t think i don’t know what you’re doing.

 

a cubed: is it working

 

Space Gay: a little

Space Gay: @popstar Yes, there was a sub today, which means yes, I did get deadnamed in front of the entire class because the sub used a roll from the office instead of the one with my name on it, and yes, it fucking sucked.

Space Gay: It’s not like I was already feeling super dysphoric today or anything.

 

a cubed: i either waste time on tumblr or code when im feeling shitty

a cubed: like,, dysphoria shitty

a cubed: which one depends on the level of shitty

 

gay for flynn rider: how is that most recent commission going btw??

 

Space Gay: Commission? 

 

a cubed: i make tumblr themes for people and they pay me

a cubed: mostly bc i don’t get a lot of website commissions as a senior in high school with no official degree

 

popstar: virgil is coding goddex confirmed

 

gay for flynn rider: we s t a n

 

a cubed: w h y

 

gay for flynn rider: it is my duty to pass on the news of how gr27 my qpp is to everyone i meet 

gay for flynn rider: <3

 

a cubed: sap

a cubed: <3

 

**_gay for flynn rider_ ** _ changed name to  _ **_coding goddex’s bf._ **

 

a cubed: w  o w

 

coding goddex’s bf: The World Needs To Know

 

popstar: how are you both adorable

 

a cubed: luck??

a cubed: lmao roman started doing offended prince noises

 

coding goddex’s bf: eXCUSE ME

coding goddex’s bf: THIS IS MORE THAN LUCK

 

Space Gay: Sure, Jan.

 

a cubed: there’s the sarcastic dude we all know and love

 

popstar: a real stand up guy

popstar: fuckin superb 

 

coding goddex’s bf: a handsome man 

 

Space Gay: Your attempts at validation are the opposite of subtle.

 

popstar: are they working???

 

Space Gay:...Maybe. 

  
  


\---

  
  


**unsubscribed-from-gender:**

hey my pals you should tell  **@space-gayce** how handsome and manly he is

 

**space-gayce:**

The fact that you felt the need to bring this to your admittedly large following is admirable yet unnecessary. 

 

**unsubscribed-from-gender:**

#validate logan 2k18

  
  


\---

 

coding goddex’s bf: i still cant believe you got “validate logan 2k18” onto the trending page of tumbitch

 

a cubed: i cant help that i have a cult of people that are willing to validate anyone at all times at my disposal

 

Space Gay: It sounds a lot more menacing when you say it like that.

Space Gay: When you phrase it as “tumblr famous” it just sounds like you’re a nerd.

Space Gay: But thank you, I suppose.

 

**_popstar_ ** _ changed name to  _ **_Logan is Best Boi_ ** _. _

 

Space Gay: Now that’s just unnecessary.

 

Logan is Best Boi: absolutely not

Logan is Best Boi: u know what this username is??

 

a cubed: what

 

Logan is Best Boi: fuckin t e a

 

Space Gay: ...I don’t //think// I should be offended?

 

a cubed: @Space Gay best to just let it go

 

coding goddex’s bf: if i dwelled on everything patton said to me i wouldnt be able to do anything until im dead 

coding goddex’s bf: lmao 

  
  


\---

  
  


a cubed: hey im yeeting to dunkin before lit 

a cubed: anyone want anything???

 

coding goddex’s bf: medium iced carmel macchiato pls

 

Logan is Best Boi: large vanilla iced coffee, w/cream and sugar

 

a cubed: mkay

 

a cubed: L??? 

 

Space Gay: I somehow always forget that you have dual enrollment first period, too.

 

a cubed: its gr9

a cubed: do you want anything

 

Space Gay: iced chai latte with almond milk

 

a cubed: yeet

 

Space Gay: Wait.

Space Gay: @coding goddex’s bf and… @Logan is Best Boi

Space Gay: Don’t both of you have class right now?

 

Logan is Best Boi: lol i have tap rn

Logan is Best Boi: the teacher doesn’t have me doing anything rn

 

coding goddex’s bf: i have a free bc i have musical theatre as my 7am

coding goddex’s bf: and i have a fourth block

 

Space Gay: Right.

 

coding goddex’s bf: btw @a cubed i know u cant answer rn bc Texting While Driving is Bad

coding goddex’s bf: but ur a lifesaver

coding goddex’s bf: i forgot to bring coffee this morning and the local starbitch opens at seven

coding goddex’s bf: (r i p)

 

Logan is Best Boi: virge is a gr9 pal that gets their friends dunkin

Logan is Best Boi: we stan

Logan is Best Boi: owo

 

Space Gay: Please. Do not.

 

Logan is Best Boi: u w u

 

Space Gay: Patton. 

 

Logan is Best Boi: hewwo??

 

Space Gay: Can you at least change your name to something else?

 

Logan is Best Boi: depends

Logan is Best Boi: are you feeling sufficiently validated???

 

Space Gay: Will you change your name if I say yes?

 

coding goddex’s bf: not if ur lying

 

Space Gay: … 

Space Gay: I am being completely honest when I say yes, Patton.

Space Gay: Sincerely.

 

Logan is Best Boi: ok then

  
  


**_Logan is Best Boi_ ** _ changed name to  _ **_practically patton in every gay._ **

  
  


coding goddex’s bf: we s t a n

coding goddex’s bf: an Icon

coding goddex’s bf: merry bitchmas everyone

 

Space Gay: Roman.

Space Gay: It.

Space Gay: Is.

Space Gay: A P R I L.

 

coding goddex’s bf: so you //can// do the letter spaces

 

a cubed: hewwo

 

Space Gay: nOT YOU TOO

Space Gay: Excuse me. I don’t know what that was.

 

practically patton in every gay: ill tell u what it was

practically patton in every gay: fuckin g o l d

 

a cubed: any w a y s,,, im here and queer

a cubed: and im going to go sit in the library if any of u actually want your coffees

a cubed: or tea in logan’s case i guess

a cubed: cold leaf and nut juice

 

Space Gay: Coffee is bean juice.

Space Gay: A vanilla latte with soy milk is technically a type of three bean soup.

 

a cubed: just come get your drinks you little shits

 

coding goddex’s bf: i’d normally be offended at that tbh

coding goddex’s bf: but im too desperate for caffeine

coding goddex’s bf: hOLY F U CK

 

practically patton in every gay: what???

 

coding goddex’s bf: virge was about to trip as they were going up the stairs

coding goddex’s bf: but then they pulled off some macgyver shit somehow??? 

coding goddex’s bf: didn’t even drop any drinks bitch wtf

 

a cubed: is bitch your favorite word

 

coding goddex’s bf: nah

coding goddex’s bf: that would be “virgil”

 

practically patton in every gay: !!!!!!!!

practically patton in every gay: how are you both so cute

practically patton in every gay: and talented

 

a cubed: eleven years of dance/dance adjacent activities, most likely

a cubed: b u t,,

a cubed: just for my own amusement

  
  


**_a cubed_ ** _ changed name to  _ **_macgayver._ **

  
  


macgayver: ro said it first

macgayver: i just Made It Gayer

 

practically patton in every gay: v a l i d

practically patton in every gay: so fucking valid honestly

 

Space Gay: Nice one, Virge. I see both of you, by the way.

Space Gay: Heading over there now.

  
  


**_Space Gay_ ** _ is now offline. _

  
  


coding goddex’s bf: hey @practically patton in every gay do u want us to just give u yours in lit??

 

practically patton in every gay: if you dont mind, kiddo

practically patton in every gay: youre a real //ass//et to me, and i thank you

 

macgayver: w o w

macgayver: ok see u in lit c7

 

practically patton in every gay: *~peace sign~*

 

**_practically patton in every gay_ ** _ is now offline. _

**_macgayver_ ** _ is now offline. _

**_coding goddex’s bf_ ** _ is now offline. _


	3. there is never a wrong time to quote our Holosexual Savior, Cristine (With No H) Rotenberg

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> john mulaney stan: And now you’re making me abandon proper punctuation and capitalization as well.
> 
> practically patton in every gay: but this way you match  
> practically patton in every gay: isn’t that fun
> 
> john mulaney stan: I do not care that the perpetual lowercase is common among our generation.  
> john mulaney stan: I will not stoop to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> help procrastination has struck again (but??? at least you get a chapter out of it??)  
> in case ur confused about the screen names:  
> logan: Space Gay (john mulaney stan)  
> roman: coding goddex's bf (my qpp is a little shit)  
> patton: practically patton in every gay  
> virgil: macgayver

practically patton in every gay: @macgayver you look vv cute today!!

 

macgayver: thank??

 

Space Gay: The skirt you are wearing //is// aesthetically pleasing.

Space Gay: And your makeup is, as they say, “on fleek.”

 

coding goddex’s bf: Please Never Say That Again

 

Space Gay: And why shouldn’t I?

 

coding goddex’s bf: bc its fuckin weird thats why

coding goddex’s bf: virge back me up on this

 

macgayver: well,,,

macgayver: no one really says “on fleek” anymore tbh

macgayver: not to burst your bubble

 

Space Gay: I will take that into consideration, I suppose.

 

practically patton in every gay: you know what else should be taken into consideration???

practically patton in every gay: logan hasn’t changed nicknames since we first changed

practically patton in every gay: everyone else has had at least two

 

Space Gay: Why must you do this to me.

 

coding goddex’s bf: omg @macgayver i have an idea and i need you to hack into logan’s phone

 

Space Gay: Or??? You could??

Space Gay: Not???

 

coding goddex’s bf: nah more fun this way

coding goddex’s bf: well??

 

macgayver: omg yes that’s an amazing one

 

 **_Space Gay_ ** _changed name to_ **_john mulaney stan_ **

 

john mulaney stan: And now you’re making me abandon proper punctuation and capitalization as well.

 

practically patton in every gay: but this way you match

practically patton in every gay: isn’t that fun

 

john mulaney stan: I do not care that the perpetual lowercase is common among our generation.

john mulaney stan: I will not stoop to it.

 

macgayver: but you havent changed it yet

macgayver: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

john mulaney stan: Because I am relatively sure that you are still hacked into my phone somehow.

john mulaney stan: Anyways. Regarding the poem.

 

coding goddex’s bf: i think u mean anyGAY

 

john mulaney stan: reGARDING THE POEM.

john mulaney stan: @coding goddex’s bf How is your analysis going?

 

coding goddex’s bf: i mean i havent done much since we met this afternoon but im still on track??

coding goddex’s bf: hbu??

coding goddex’s bf: and everyone, for that matter

 

macgayver: getting closer w/the bios and background stuff

 

practically patton in every gay: question (about the questions)

practically patton in every gay: pls tell me were allowed to include this

practically patton in every gay:

 

Sylvia Plath:

    1. Smash
    2. Pass



 

macgayver: o m f g

macgayver: blease

 

coding goddex’s bf: that’s at the very least a high quality shitpost

 

practically patton in every gay:

 

Plath’s Buthhole?

    1. Shit’s rank
    2. Shit’s dank



 

john mulaney stan: Why Would You Do This To Me?

 

macgayver: since were currently Hardcore Memeing

macgayver: how many had to do it to em’s should i include

 

coding goddex’s bf: at least one per slide

 

practically patton in every gay: more if you can lmao

 

john mulaney stan: I hate all of you very much.

john mulaney stan: Just so you know.

 

macgayver: please

macgayver: you know you love us

 

john mulaney stan: At this point, hating and loving are not mutually exclusive.

 

practically patton in every gay: fuckin o u c h

 

coding goddex’s bf: w o r m

  


\---

  


macgayver: logan idk why you chose this poem its just a lil fucked up

macgayver: no wait nvmd that explains everything

 

john mulaney stan: It’s not //that// bad.

 

macgayver: “Not God but a swastika// So black no sky could squeak through.// Every woman adores a Fascist,// The boot in the face, the brute// Brute heart of a brute like you.”

 

john mulaney stan: Virgil, it’s from WWII, we all know this.

 

coding goddex’s bf: “Daddy, I have had to kill you.// You died before I had time-// Marble-heavy, a bag full of God,// Ghastly statue with one gray toe// Big as a Frisco seal”

 

john mulaney stan: None of you argued when we chose the poem.

 

macgayver: not arguing but i think it’s weird and im all about weird shit

macgayver: lbr all of us are all about that weird shit

 

coding goddex’s bf: ur,,, not wrong,,

 

macgayver: of course im not wrong. someday there will be a [“virgil is always right foundation.”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FkpqIp13HnA)

 

coding goddex’s bf: hmm

  


**_coding goddex’s bf_ ** _changed name to_ **_my qpp is a little shit_ **

  


my qpp is a little shit: there.

my qpp is a little shit: perfect.

 

macgayver: w o w

macgayver: where’s pat when u need him

 

john mulaney stan: Probably doing homework, like a good student.

 

macgayver: h u s h

macgayver: hey

macgayver: should i get a piercing

 

my qpp is a little shit: idk m8 if u want go for it???

 

macgayver: or

macgayver: i could save up for a tattoo

 

my qpp is a little shit: the real tea

my qpp is a little shit: wait

my qpp is a little shit: logan

 

john mulaney stan: …

 

my qpp is a little shit: don’t you have a tattoo

 

macgayver: oh shit i forgot

 

john mulaney stan: …

 

my qpp is a little shit: w e l l,,,

 

john mulaney stan: Yes, I do have a tattoo.

john mulaney stan: It is on my collarbone.

 

practically patton in every gay: o o f

 

macgayver: you join us //now//?

 

john mulaney stan: Ignore him, patton

 

practically patton in every gay: wait what is it??

 

john mulaney stan: That is for me to know and precisely none of you to find out.

 

my qpp is a little shit: bs

my qpp is a little shit: its a constellation cause L is a n e r d

 

macgayver: [hidden snort]

 

john mulaney stan: As much as I dislike that reaction, we are literally not in the same building.

john mulaney stan: I cannot do anything no matter how you choose to respond.

 

practically patton in every gay: oooh!!

practically patton in every gay: which one was it???

 

john mulaney stan: ...Phoenix.

 

macgayver: shit

macgayver: that’s like

macgayver: metaphorically beautiful??? are those the right words

 

my qpp is a little shit: better than the ones i used lmao

 

john mulaney stan: Yes, I believe Roman called me “a sentimental sock.”

 

my qpp is a little shit: there is never a wrong time to quote our Holosexual Savior, Cristine (With No H) Rotenberg

my qpp is a little shit: i have been an avid follower of simplynailogical since 2015 and i have no intentions of stopping now

 

practically patton in every gay: the big mood

 

john mulaney stan: I would say it’s a little frightening that you know her full name off the top of your head like that.

 

macgayver: the bigger mood

 

my qpp is a little shit: well we don’t see u referring to john mulaney as just john, do we???

 

practically patton in every gay: the Biggest Mood

 

macgayver: tea: spilled

 

practically patton in every gay: dynamicest duo???

 

macgayver: back in action, ready to meme

 

my qpp is a little shit: w h y

 

macgayver: someone has to

macgayver: since u and mr. “cornerstone of gay culture” over there Don’t

 

my qpp is a little shit: ...u know what???

my qpp is a little shit: Fair

 

practically patton in every gay: i must yeet™

practically patton in every gay: peace out bitches

  


**_practically patton in every gay_ ** _is offline._

  


my qpp is a little shit: whelp

my qpp is a little shit: guess that’s my cue

my qpp is a little shit: bye felicia

  


**_my qpp is a little shit_ ** _is offline._

  


\---

  


**_Private Message_ ** _between_ **_john mulaney stan_ ** _and_ **_macgayver_ **

 

 _private message started by_ **_john mulaney stan_ ** _!_  


 

john mulaney stan: So.

john mulaney stan: I may have a slight problem.

 

macgayver: if this is about ur crush on patton i got shit all for u dude

 

john mulaney stan: Fuck.

  



	4. interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> logan pines, so does patton (who has really bad self esteem someone get this boy a therapist), and roman?? his life is in a pretty rough spot right now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like i put in the tags, i borrowed a plot point from odaat. i was like, "hmmm,, what should i do for roman angst??" and then it hit me and then i decided that i absolutely will be mean to roman here w h o o p s
> 
> you thought this was just going to be a funny chatfic with memes??? so did i but i guess there's plot now which is neat

**_Private Message_ ** _ between  _ **_john mulaney stan_ ** _ and  _ **_macgayver_ **

 

macgayver: logan

macgayver: loooggaaaannn

 

john mulaney stan: Yes?

 

macgayver: i still don’t understand why you chose to message //me// about you being a pining mess

macgayver: arent i,, like,,, one of the least qualified people u know???

 

john mulaney stan: Potentially.

john mulaney stan: However:

john mulaney stan: a) I cannot message Patton, for obvious reasons.

john mulaney stan: b) Roman would take the matter out of proportion.

john mulaney stan: c) Despite the fact that your relationship with Roman is a queerplatonic partnership, it is still a type of relationship and I am a little desperate. 

 

macgayver: w o w

macgayver: you really are a pining mess, huh

 

john mulaney stan: That is a blatant falsehood

 

macgayver: dont act like ur not self aware

macgayver: youve been in love with pat since like freshman year

 

john mulaney stan: It was the summer before junior year that I realized my feelings for him, thank you very much.

 

macgayver: the key word in that sentence is realized my diggity dude

 

john mulaney stan: Shit. Fucking shit fuck.

john mulaney stan: I detest that you are right and that I am only now realizing it.

 

macgayver: ;)

 

john mulaney stan: Please Stop

 

macgayver: its chill dude, patton’s been in love with you since like 8th grade so it evens out

 

john mulaney stan: That statement is utterly preposterous and I will not stand for it.

 

macgayver: The Truth is Out There

macgayver: but seriously

Macgayver: he likes you back and you two could have been ridiculously sappy for like four years now except you both suck at communication

 

john mulaney stan: I would call that blasphemy but I believe there is only one truly accurate response to that statement:

john mulaney stan: “shit u rite”

  
  


\---

  
  


**_Private Message_** _between_ ** _my_** **_qpp is a little shit_** _and_ ** _practically patton in every gay_**

 

_ private message started by  _ **_practically patton in every gay_ ** _ ! _

  
  


practically patton in every gay: roman

practically patton in every gay: how do i stop liking someone

 

my qpp is a little shit: is this about you and specs???

my qpp is a little shit: bc that ship sailed a long time ago

my qpp is a little shit: it is physically painful watching you two stare longingly at each other but thinking the other one “”cant possibly like them back””

 

practically patton in every gay: r o m a n

practically patton in every gay: im very serious here

practically patton in every gay: as serious as logan looks when he wears that necktie that he looks amazing in

practically patton in every gay: wait no he always looks amazing

practically patton in every gay: the one he looks spectacular in 

 

my qpp is a little shit: my pal

my qpp is a little shit: my dude

my qpp is a little shit: You Are Very Gay

 

practically patton in every gay: i k n o w

 

my qpp is a little shit: just???

my qpp is a little shit: ask him out????

 

practically patton in every gay: consider

practically patton in every gay: suffering in silence

 

my qpp is a little shit: that is literally what is making you both not date already

my qpp is a little shit: logan has been head over heels for you since 

my qpp is a little shit: like

my qpp is a little shit: freshman year

my qpp is a little shit: at the very least

 

practically patton in every gay: Why Tho

practically patton in every gay: he wouldnt like me there is literally nothing dateable about me

 

my qpp is a little shit: Patton.

my qpp is a little shit: i want you to take a good, long look at what you just wrote

my qpp is a little shit: and get rid of all of those Nasty Depression Thoughts™ 

 

practically patton in every gay: youre just saying that tho

 

my qpp is a little shit: patton

my qpp is a little shit: as your friend i am telling you very firmly

my qpp is a little shit: we love you

my qpp is a little shit: especially logan

 

practically patton in every gay: but

 

my qpp is a little shit: im not done

my qpp is a little shit: you are perfectly dateable and wonderful. you arent “ugly” and you are not a burden. you are loved- very aggressively if i might add- and the voice in your head telling you otherwise can go fuck itself.

 

practically patton in every gay: …

  
  


**_practically patton in every gay_ ** _ is now offline. _

  
  


\---

  
  


**_Private Message_ ** _ between  _ **_macgayver_ ** _ and  _ **_my qpp is a little shit_ **

 

_ private message started by  _ **_my qpp is a little shit_ ** _ ! _

  
  


my qpp is a little shit: so

my qpp is a little shit: our friends are pining messes, patton’s self esteem issues have reached a record low, and apparently we are the only people in our friend group that can actually communicate with each other???

 

macgayver: that about sums it up

macgayver: im guessing patton came rambling to you about how logan couldnt possibly like him back as logan literally just did the same to me??

 

my qpp is a little shit: hole in one

my qpp is a little shit: bonus round with pat’s notoriously low self esteem and Nasty Depression Thoughts™ 

 

macgayver: o o f

 

my qpp is a little shit: yeah

my qpp is a little shit: how are you doing??

 

macgayver: ive been surprisingly fine the past few days

macgayver: weeks, actually

macgayver: you???

macgayver: and dont give me some bullshit “fine” 

macgayver: we cant be the people that //actually communicate with each other// if we dont actually communicate

 

my qpp is a little shit: does anyone else know??

 

macgayver: that shit offically went down??

macgayver: i dont think so

macgayver: but you have to tell someone soon

macgayver: my parentals will get suspicious eventually

 

my qpp is a little shit: what am i even supposed to say??

my qpp is a little shit: “oh, by the way, my parents were deported and ive secretly been living in your child’s room for the past three weeks???”

 

macgayver: they wouldn’t kick you out

macgayver: my moms love you

 

my qpp is a little shit: yeah but i dont want to leave and live in texas

my qpp is a little shit: its only a few more weeks till graduation and then like three months until college

 

macgayver: i know

macgayver: but this is huge, ro

 

my qpp is a little shit: believe me, i know

my qpp is a little shit: just

my qpp is a little shit: they didn’t

my qpp is a little shit: they

my qpp is a little shit: fuck

 

macgayver: ro

macgayver: i cant pretend to understand any of what you’re going through right now

macgayver: but i will //always// be here for you

 

my qpp is a little shit: …

my qpp is a little shit: thanks

my qpp is a little shit: it means a lot

my qpp is a little shit: <3

 

macgayver: <3

 

**Author's Note:**

> check out my [tumblr](https://pastelvirgil.tumblr.com) i guess


End file.
